Welcome to Hellmark: Christmas Movies For The Rest Of Us!
Season Three drops after a 2-year hiatus. It would be convenient to blame the lengthy delay between seasons on COVID. But the pandemic is not the reason. Hellmark movies simply cannot be rushed. The storyline of each must pass a four-pronged, acid test: banal, sophomoric, contemptible, and worthless.
As with previous Hellmark seasons, your participation is appreciated. There is a poll at the end of the movie capsules; please vote for your three favorites.
Last, but not least, if heavy snow is falling as you read this, I hope and pray there is more than one road out of your hometown.
Enjoy!
OH, HOLEY NIGHT!
After discovering a stash of old fabrics in the attic of her recently-deceased grandmother’s home, Melissa works tirelessly to hand stitch authentic costumes for the church Christmas play. Her sentimental gesture misfires when searing heat from stage floodlights causes the threadbare tunic on a well-endowed shepherd to tear and expose a second staff.
THE CHRISTMAS CODE
Software developer Tillie has been in a frustrating rut, unable to deliver for her big tech employer. Hoping to recharge, she returns home for Christmas but is shocked to learn that her high school STEM mentor, Mr. Newton, has passed away. The disappointing experience inspires her to create a mobile phone app – Dead Ringer – that queries a national funeral home registry and alerts users when marginal contacts die.
BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS
The spirit of Christmas and inclusiveness is put to a blushing test when lovable Mr. Cantwell — the long-time leader of the popular singalong that precedes the town’s annual tree-lighting ceremony — is permitted to continue in his role despite a recent diagnosis of severe Tourette Syndrome. F**K The Herald Angels, indeed.
GOD REST YE DIARRHETIC GENTLEMEN
Benevolent Sarah decides to invite every senior in town to her country inn for a free Christmas brunch featuring unlimited Eggs Benedict. When sloppy prep work leads to a virulent outbreak of chronic salmonella, she converts the inn into a permanent residence for the gastro-disabled elders and rebrands it Home For The Hollandaise.
BETTER LUCK NECK TIME!
The Yankee Gift Exchange at the holiday office party could not have worked out worse for Meg. The Bah Humbug scarf she crocheted was selected by Zeke, the mailroom employee with a ten-pound goiter.
THE SHINE INN
In desperate need of a change of scenery, the distraught owner of a bankrupt inn agrees to become the winter caretaker of a ski lodge but is driven to madness when he discovers it is the site of an annual Christmas ball of inn keepers who have lost their inns.
ROTTING AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
Stem canker. Needle rust. Root rot. When city-gal Tess surprises new boyfriend Eric at his Christmas tree farm, she overhears a conference call with his plant pathologist describing tree diseases but assumes it is a deal-breaker of an STD diagnosis from the free clinic.
PEDI DIFFERENCES
Ever since her 88-year old grandmother died of exhaustion attempting to cut her own toenails before a family Christmas party, podiatrist Samantha has been burdened with guilt. Until a chance meeting with Stephen — the dreamy owner of Van World – whose great aunt met a similar fate. The pair team up to create Jack Frost Nipping At Your Toes — a mobile, holiday pedicure service for shut-ins and the osteo-challenged.
MAKES NO SCENTS
The Fertz family has operated Eagleville’s Christmas candle factory for generations, but financial strains have them asking daughter Sierra, a mergers and acquisitions lawyer, to find a well-healed partner. She is able to identify only one viable candidate – a large housewares company owned by the Smeller family. Creating a hybrid corporate name proves vexing.
WHAT A BUSTER!
Gigolo and sommelier Michael Gonski, manager for a national restaurant and arcade entertainment business, infiltrates Christmas Con 2021 and invites unsuspecting Hallmark actresses to his South Jersey eatery with the lure of unlimited fun and games. Should be 21 to play.
Welcome to Hellmark 